Friday, April 20, 2018

The Distressed Damsel!

Hither and thither she ran
She ran with the wind
The wind took her to the storm
The storm that looked like a gentle breeze!
She ran face first
She was so young and naive
but she runs now no more
and no more does she breathe!

I watched her run
I watched her breathe
But I do not see her now
So I, just grieve!
To breathe is hard
The throat is parched
an eternal brain-freeze.

How do I say
she walked away
the clock still ticks
the sound reverberates
it is all that I ever hear!

I write this poem for my sister. My sister was a beautiful young soul. She decided to end her life on 11th September 2016 and since the day, I grieve her every day. I have felt pain before. The pain of being left by a loved one. But this one beats them all. Nothing can ever beat this. This one shall be eternally triumphant!

I still do not understand this, but I will always love you Vinu! xx

Saturday, August 5, 2017

I Don't Understand

It feels like someone has put their hand through my body and ripped my heart out. I don't understand how is this even possible. There is so much pain.. so much suffering.. and it is all bottled up inside.

I am always pretending. Pretending to be okay. I am told no one else understands how I feel, but they are trying to be there for me and I should be sensitive to the fact that they care about me? I don't understand this either - if I am suffering and they don't understand my suffering, why do I have to be sensitive to the fact that they can't understand my suffering?

I don't see a reason for anything anymore.. bleh.. everyone dies eventually.. everyone will die.. what's the point in carrying on? What's the point in this pointless living? What's the point in pretending that this is living, when it is just dragging on?

My throat, it's so dry.
My eyes, always watery.

You know how they show in the movies, when you're in trauma, you hear this high pitched noise in your ears... sometimes, I am smiling and looking at people, but I can't hear them.. all I hear is the high pitched noise. I didn't know that shit is for real.

Every time I broke up with an ex.. I thought no pain can supersede this.. no pain can last this long.. and then.. you went away.. my sister.. my best friend.. my child.. my soul mate.. we fought and cried.. we hated each other.. but I never thought this day would ever come.. I never thought I will ever see a day on this earth without you.. you were supposed to be the one thing I will have till the end.. how did this happen.. I don't understand.. this just doesn't make any sense to me.. I need to understand.. Why?

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Sisters Forever!

I dream ever so often, that it rewinds... that you're here and I am here.. and I fight for you.. and I protect you.. it was my job.. you discharged me of my duty.. I don't know what to do now.. I don't know what to live for anymore.. so I carry you with me.. I carry you in my heart!

I look at the cherry blossoms and think you would have loved them.

I look at people ice skating and wonder if you ever did it.

Every time I do something new, I wonder if you did do it too.

I visit a new country and I wear your stuff, I think that you're with me, are you?

I am so glad we took that trip together.. that's one thing I will never regret.

I am glad that I told you that I love you out of the blue.. that's another thing I will not regret.

But I didn't call you that day.. that day when you were so low.. would you have answered my call? How do I not regret this? I will regret it forever.. and I will wonder forever.. because, you are - my heart! I will always love you!

Monday, July 25, 2016

Heights of Love… Clarity!!!

You may have been loved... you must have had your heart broken... But, have you been a part of a fairy tale? This, right here, was the fairy tale that girls dreams of… Grata had poems written for her... She had boys singing for her... She had been sketched with all heart & soul... She even had been fought over for... She had seen boys get beaten up over her... She had been surprised with the cutest & warmest bear hugs... She had been kissed in the most romantic ways... She even had the luxury to throw up in a lover’s hands’ when she was too weak to walk to a waste bin… but nothing had ever come close to this… This was the ultimate fairy tale… the man of her dreams… standing tall, looking as gorgeous as anyone ever could… standing there… with a halo forming above his head from the sunshine… it really was like having an angel look at you!

Grata felt warm and serene, as if the time stood still and the moment would last forever. But nothing lasts for ever… Neither would this… Adam held out his hand to Grata, without thinking, she placed the palm of her hand in the crevice of his’... He pulled her close and leaned in to kiss her on the mouth… her claves would strain and her body would rise to meet his lips… He placed his hands on the small of her back to pull her closer, his warmth touching the nakedness of her back… Her breasts would swell up and nipples harden at the thought of his touch and now he was touching her, gently, lovingly; yet, her calves did not strain to give her the height to meet his lips. Neither did her body react the way it would; the way it should…

He pulled her closer and whispered in her ear “'like John Mayer says, you're no one till someone lets you down'… I now am no one.” With that, he pecked her cheek and let her go, a sole tear in his eye…. No words were spoken. There was just no need for words. He knew it, she knew it, it always was wonderlust… She never loved him, he could see it in her eyes… & she did not know it till now; but she knew it today… she knew it for sure... & it was visible… She was taken… she was in love now, for sure… it just wasn’t with Adam, it never was supposed to be him… So he just sat down and looked the other way and made it easy for her to walk away… his heart ached for her, his body longed for her… but he had clarity that she did not belong to him… and she had clarity that she belonged with Henry.


Sunday, July 24, 2016

Heights of Love… The Realisation!!!

Mel snapped her out of it with the “hey, stop day dreaming about Adam already!” Grata blinked her eyes. She felt a bit queasy and sat down. “You alright?” asked Mel… “ummm.. could you tell Henry that I will meet him directly” mumbled Grata.. “wait, ill text him myself… I’ve got to get ready and I’ll catch you later” she announced loudly and disappeared for a shower leaving Mel absolutely confused. By the time she was out, Mel was long gone. She took out the beautiful champagne backless she had bought for that special occasion and lay it on the bed. She dropped her bathrobe and had a good look at herself in the mirror. She smiled!

As she sat in front of the mirror and carefully applied her foundation… she realized that she was still smiling… not good for the creases… “no smiling till the foundation sets in” she rebuked herself out loud.. She generally went for the el natural look mostly.. but today she fancied the fushia blush and the gold dust for the eye shadow. She even went ahead and contoured her face, highlighted her cheek bones. She realized that a lot was going on with her eyes, yet she went ahead and wore those red lips that made her absolutely irresistible. She wore her hair up in that lady like bun; even more irresistible, she thought to herself. She was going for it all, she was going for the kill! She took out those Gold heels from their safe keeping box that gold rhine stone studded cltch. She opened her wardrobe once again and grabbed her bright red stole. Then she decided to ditch her diamonds and wear the ruby danglers and a quick fast drying bright red varnish. The look was complete and she made a dash.

She was restless… she tapped her way through the 4 stations before she finally got off at Leicester Square. It was 7:24PM when she was outside Missle. Fine she was a little early, she walked in… she felt the earth trembling… it was she who was shivering though… It’s okay.. you have 5 minutes to compose yourself… She smiled at the usher and was about to say table for two to the ladies at the front desk when one of the women smiled at her and said this way through, sir is already here. May I take your stole madam? Grata declined the offer and held tightly to her stole. Why is this place empty? Fine, Missle was relatively expensive, but people loved eating out on a Saturday evening. It was next to impossible to find a place empty on a sunny day as such anyway, plus, it was a Saturday. Where are all the people?

Adam was on to something big… It hit her like a tide then… he has been watching me.. he had to know that I was Starbucks already. You cannot get a place like this empty at 7:30PM on a sunny Saturday… he had planned this… how weird was this… she followed in quietly and saw Adam waiting near the sunniest window.. standing tall.. and breath taking as always… he even wore a black suit and the whitest shirt… She dropped the stole to compliment him and his jaw dropped in awe for a second before he composed himself. That moment was made for a photo still, not a 3X5”, but a full length portrait canvas sorta way!