Saturday, August 5, 2017

I Don't Understand

It feels like someone has put their hand through my body and ripped my heart out. I don't understand how is this even possible. There is so much pain.. so much suffering.. and it is all bottled up inside.

I am always pretending. Pretending to be okay. I am told no one else understands how I feel, but they are trying to be there for me and I should be sensitive to the fact that they care about me? I don't understand this either - if I am suffering and they don't understand my suffering, why do I have to be sensitive to the fact that they can't understand my suffering?

I don't see a reason for anything anymore.. bleh.. everyone dies eventually.. everyone will die.. what's the point in carrying on? What's the point in this pointless living? What's the point in pretending that this is living, when it is just dragging on?

My throat, it's so dry.
My eyes, always watery.

You know how they show in the movies, when you're in trauma, you hear this high pitched noise in your ears... sometimes, I am smiling and looking at people, but I can't hear them.. all I hear is the high pitched noise. I didn't know that shit is for real.

Every time I broke up with an ex.. I thought no pain can supersede this.. no pain can last this long.. and then.. you went away.. my sister.. my best friend.. my child.. my soul mate.. we fought and cried.. we hated each other.. but I never thought this day would ever come.. I never thought I will ever see a day on this earth without you.. you were supposed to be the one thing I will have till the end.. how did this happen.. I don't understand.. this just doesn't make any sense to me.. I need to understand.. Why?

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Sisters Forever!

I dream ever so often, that it rewinds... that you're here and I am here.. and I fight for you.. and I protect you.. it was my job.. you discharged me of my duty.. I don't know what to do now.. I don't know what to live for anymore.. so I carry you with me.. I carry you in my heart!

I look at the cherry blossoms and think you would have loved them.

I look at people ice skating and wonder if you ever did it.

Every time I do something new, I wonder if you did do it too.

I visit a new country and I wear your stuff, I think that you're with me, are you?

I am so glad we took that trip together.. that's one thing I will never regret.

I am glad that I told you that I love you out of the blue.. that's another thing I will not regret.

But I didn't call you that day.. that day when you were so low.. would you have answered my call? How do I not regret this? I will regret it forever.. and I will wonder forever.. because, you are - my heart! I will always love you!