Thursday, May 30, 2013

Why Compromise?

Compromise... they say... is essential & beautiful...
Compromise... they say... is satisfying...
NO wonder i'm NEVER satisfied... After all, I am an extremist...

98% of the things in this world... i am not sure of... & im a person of logic & order... if i dont have an opinion of something & you do, i will go with what you say if i trust you!!! & i will ask questions (test your knowledge) & take chances if i dont know you... I don't know you & you fail me once, i shall never put my trust in you again... I trust you & you goofed up once,  whether you get another chance depends on the intensity of the goof up.

But, there are things i know, there is this 2% that I AM sure of... & this i cant compromise... mai kyu karu compromise???? there are no negotiations & taking the middle path, unless you can logically prove me wrong!

I dont like pretty, i like smart.. so no, those box sofas can't be replaced with Raja chairs!
I dont like the scratching of unfinished steel... so no, I will eat in that 25 year old smooth steel plate i got!
I don't like pointy spoons... so no... okay fine... if there is "NO" option, then ill eat with that... but we are getting new cutlery!
I dont like the way the Rajasthani bed spreads tingle my legs... so no, it does not beautify my bed!
I dont like those netted covers.. so no, they are not going on the sofas!

Please tell me how will Raja chairs, noise making steel, jaw breaking pointy spoons, scratching Rajasthani sheets or netted covers be remotely satisfing?

I know i love chicken... so no, you cant suggest i marry a vegetarian... rather ask me to die!
I know im strong minded... so no, i can't be with weak/meek... i need the clashes for the spark!
I know what colors i like... so no, you CAN'T suggest that i wear fluorescent yellow... im not a light bulb!
I love the b&w poster atop my bed... so no, you cant take it off... #EndOfDiscussion!
I love my brownie, bozo & strawberry... so no, you cant give them away... not even if im 80 & they still are fine... unless i absolutely love that kid!
I believe in a supreme force (lets call it God), but I dont believe it exists in temple & singing bhajans in shrill voice is going to appease it.. so no, you cant suggest i go to the temple every other day... i respect your feelings, i can do it on special occasions, not every other day!
& for the love of GOD, i know that i am fully capable of doing everything that wearing those stupid rings enable me to... so no, im not turning into Miss. MoreStonesThanFingers... if stones can alter my destiny & i start believing that, i WILL STOP putting any effort... they will only make me lazy!!!

So tell me, W H Y  COMPROMISE????

Heights of Love… The Crazy!!!

Grata tried to open her eyes… OH! but this MASSIVE headache… with great difficulty, she did… only to find a guy smiling & staring at her… “Mooooorrning Sunshiiiiineee”, he said… “here… drink this… you’d feel better!” As she leaned forward to grab the glass, there were thoughts running in her head… The major ones being… whose bed is this… who is this guy… why is he being so nice to me… WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT??? Aaaaargh*

“you know, you’re a very cute drunk” the guy said.. Grata responded “ummmm… thanks I guess… ummmm.. I kinna don’t …” “remember what happened last night?” said him… she said “Actually, aaa.. I was gonna say, uuuummm… I don’t remember your name, but um… I guess I don’t recall a lotta last night either” “Matt, my name is Matthew… we met at Spurs last night… //Grata's thinking superseding Matt’s words – we went to McLinch… drank a lot… Scott was being a jerk flirt… I was upset about Adam… how much did I drink… a lot I guess… there was karaoke… I cried… how tacky… Mel dragged me to Spurs… it was loud… All I wanted was to talk to Adam… oh shit!!! S H O T S… did I dance at the bar table??? Yikess… I was outta my mind… Did I get stoned??? *blank #blinkeyes *blank #errorintrailofthoughts>// & so you broke our table” Grata interrupted, “I BROKE YOUR TABLE????” Matt “yes, & the Whisky Glasses… so we put you off to sleep in here & Mel still is the royal queen on our massage chair!”

“So, anyway, can you talk to your fren there G!???” Grata got up & followed Matt to the chair… “Wake up sweety… Mel.. wake up…” *slap… Finally… Matt dropped them both to Grata’s!

Grata - “So Mel, I know you mean good… but if you ever do this to me again, I am GOING to KILL YOU!” “Excuse me, but you are the one who is supposed to provide answers tonight baby”, said Mel, “I agree I dragged you to Spurs… & I insisted on getting stoned… but what got into you when Matt & his band got on the stage?”

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Wannabe. . .

Yo, I'll tell you what i want... what i really really want... so tell me what you want... what you really really want... i wanna... i wanna... i wanna... i wanna... i wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha... LOL... no... i'm not gonna become a lyrics based blog! I know what i wanna convey via this post... but the damn song keeps playing in loops since i wrote the title! *ummmm... on 2nd thoughts.. the lover part stands... "if you wanna be my lover... you gotta get with my friends... make it last for ever... friendship never ends!!!" OK! STOP IT GEETAAAAAAAAA!!! :X

Its weird... i scold myself.. call my self GEETAAAAAA with the elongated AAAAA... "OUT LOUD" & I do this many a times "in a day"... when i sing songs that i dont like... when i keep staring at something for no reason... when i run into a trail of thoughts that go here there everywhere... when i jump up & down in jubilation... when i talk like a 5 year old... ofcourse, im not 5 years old & i sure shouldn't behave like one... but its like, some part of me (OKHAAAY! a HUGE part) has just refused to grow up... how wannabish!!!! After all, i'm pejoratively filled with an ambition to be someone i'm not... I'm a wannabe!!!! :X

when i'm happy... everythin's fine... i mean, i can walk outta my house in out-of-bed-absolutely-messed-up hair, flip-flops, hots pants & tanks that i slept in... cuz i don't give a f**k, REALLY! when i'm sad... i wouldn't be caught dead in them... not to mention, the lip balm & the liner... i aspire to be happy.... or at least look happy... you look hott... people check you out... gives a weird sense of fake high esteem... gives you a weird sense of fake happy... How wannabish!!! :X

I think the only wannabish thing i dont do is take pouty selfies (but actors do that too... so i guess that's not wannabish) cuz i think i do everything else... i act nice, & smile... & act cute & make puppy faces (things just get done easily with all of these... i was unable to get anything done when i was a typical tomboy)... i still am a tomboy... i dont give an eff to girlie talks... when i hapta do them, i roll my eyes like a million times... i like to say & hear things to the point... i definitely DON'T like to hear people crib on & on... I dont like to hear problems over & over (i get the problem DAMMIT!!! lets work on the absolutely not talked about solution!!!) if i dont like someone & i need nothin of them, i ignore them... if i like some1, they actually ARE lucky (im so bloody fussy & pretentious) but i try not to look like that... how wannabish!

So, i guess I AM A WANNABE... cuz lets face it... maybe i REALLY am... i can accept that... but then i look around... who the eff is genuine around me? is that a wannabe thought? or all we all living in the land of wannabes???

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

This Funny Feeling!

I hate being the phoenix… You burn to ashes… then you revive… take birth again, just to burn to death… again. . and again. . and again!

I really cannot complain… I have been loved… time & again… but I have lost every time… & it has hurt… it sure has hurt BAD… every time I believe this is it… every time I believe this is the max I could have done… every time I believe this is the WORST of all my hits… every time I believe this is the MAX that I could have endured… every time I believe I CAN’T DO IT A G A I N…

So I gather my pieces… one by one as they lie shattered all over… & I solemnly pledge… this is it… there is the corner… im gonna lock myself there… there is no chance of getting hurt if I don’t let anyone in… & I go there… & shut the gates… & I see people wanting to ease my pain… I see people saying things will change… I see people promising they are nothing like before… but I stay in my corner… I stay away from the gates… I just watch from the distance… seeing those colors from my greys…

& then I see those others… those who don’t promise me anything… those who don’t care if I’m there… but those who love another… who care… who appreciate… who are brave… who stand-by each other… who make promises… who break promises… who fight… who make up… because in the end… they still love… they still wish to survive!!!

& somehow, even though I don’t take anyone’s hand… I revive… & then I do it all over again… I give more… I love more… I do more… I hurt more… I die more… I shatter once again!!! This funny feeling all over again!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Heights of Love… The Realization!!!

Adam walked out on Grata this time… Hot blood running through his veins… As he drove away, he felt his heart thump even harder than when he runs marathons… this girl had made his heart skip a beat & thump so hard at the same time… any other woman & it would have been no big deal… but walking from this, was so difficult… he felt so stuck on her & her bright pretty laughing eyes… he felt he couldn’t walk outta this… there was something about her… her eyes… her smile… her innocence that had got to him… she ABSOLUTELY had him!!!

He had never had women issues… he could get any woman at the drop of a hat… yet, he never really wanted any of them… he never wanted to be with any of them for more than a night, leave alone chase after 1 second… but her… he had watched her & stalked her & chased her… suddenly he said to himself in her cute lil voice “YOU BIG BALD HULK… but you kissed me & said I love you” & then he just burst out in chuckles… “Oh yes! SHE LOVES ME!!!” He soooo wanted to turn back around & kiss her… as he was overwhelmed by the realization… It’s a privilege to grow old with someone… someone who does not humiliate you beyond repair… she could have screamed & shouted & have him thrown out of the building… but all she said was “you’re hurting me… you big bald hulk” *hahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaahahaaaaa*

Adam could just not help smiling all the way into his office & to his workstation & still could not control it even when he saw it amused all of his colleagues… Grata on the contrary wore the sullen look to her workstation & could not put up a smile even to pretend when the concerned friends (colleagues) surrounded her!

At 6 pm, “Cheer up G! it’s a Fa-Fa-Fa-Friday night” sang Mel as she placed a kiss on Grata’s cheek & wrapped her arm around her shoulder & announced to everyone, “let’s go & make G! have a great time tonight… our darling is upset & we the people, have to bring back our million dollar smile” & they all dragged her to McLinch… but nothing interested Grata… she loved the Karaoke, but dint sing along… she was always the 1st one to drag everyone onto the dance floor… but she never stepped off her chair… she loved talking… but not one story tonight… her mind was blocked… Adam was on it!!! So she drank… & she drank more… & then, she drank some more!!!

The Vicious Circle. . .

We make the rules & then we break them... we mend our hearts & promise ourselves a new start... but for some reason; we always end up wanting to make the same mistakes all over again... we are a prodigy of our own imagination... yet, we are bound by the shackles of the same.. we are our heroes & then we are our own villains!

there is something about the dark that is comforting... this weird feeling of not knowing.. of wanting to know what lurks behind... there is something about the curtains to rise... this want of making a discovery... what is this that is damn exciting about chaos... about confusion... the fear & the unknown... i cant put my finger to it... cuz everywhere i place my finger... a new discovery starts! there is this calmness in panic... the SUPREMACY calmness... when everything is in a state of commotion... yet you are INCHARGE!!! you are the director/producer/possibly even the actor of your own panic-striken drama!!!

so why do we make them rules? when there is something about a challenge? the challenge that makes us
want to crap those rules! why do we cry & crib about the drama... the mess that we ourselves created???
#1. We make them rules. . .
#2. We get our hearts broken. . .
#3. We break those rules. . .
#4. We try & learn. . .
#5. We repeat our mistakes. . .
#6. We make them rules. . .
maybe we like to be in this state of commotion... maybe we like to be always at war... to win a war... you have to become the war.. but we are our own greatest enemy... so we gear up in our armor once again & fight the two sides of the war "once again"! it IS a vicious circle-cycle!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Man Who Knows Me the Best; Yet Does Not Know Me at all! #JohnMayer

John Mayer even sits as my wallpaper
on my phones - from over a year!
If there is one person in this world... who knows me inside-out; but still does not know me - its John Clayton Mayer.. There is not one song that the man has written/sung that I cannot connect with & say --> I do that/I feel that!!! In fact, there could be no better caller tune that can describe me... & that's the reason why you have not changed in years... I'm always buzzin just like Neon NEON!!!

Like i said, i feel every emotion the man feels, from the fact that I wanted to run through the halls of my high school screaming at the top of my lungs when i figured there's no such thing as the real world, just a lie (a facade) we've gotta rise above... to the thinking I'm gonna find another you with exactly this in mind "when i was your lover.. no one could do... if im forced to find another... i hope he looks like you... & he's nicer too"... to the number of times my stupid mouth has got me in trouble... i've said too much again!!! & then i wonder too how did they find me here? what do they want from me? all these vultures hiding right outside my door!!!

& when frustration reaches its stage of nirvana in my head... i too wonder if numb is the new deep? should i be done with the old me? & finally i decide "something's missing & i dont know how to fix it... i dont know what it is at all"... so stop this train... i wanna get off & go home again!!! cuz the fact is... we are all waitin'.. waitin' on the world to change... its not that we dont care... we just know that the fight ain't fair!!!

i still remember, i had a messy break up & like all stupid girls... i declared it on my fb wall "love is a verb" only to have a huge list on comments saying its more of a noun... & then i hear him sing it!!! i remember feeling like there were clouds of sulphur in the air.. it felt like bombs were falling everywhere... for me, it was heartbreak warefare! & for the ex it must have been freeeeee.. free fallin!!! when all the good girls are home with broken hearts!! Till date listening to Slow dancing in a burnin' room gives me a heartache!!! & i too believe... when you're dreaming with a broken heart... giving up is the hardest part...

there were times, when i knew someone loved me... but, i just would not accept... & as i know he too loves John Mayer just as much as me... everytime i hear Love Soon, it seems like he sings it to me! & all i wanna say is half of my heart is the part of a woman who's never truly loved anything! Or hold on to whatever you find baby.. hold on to whatever will get you through... i dont trust myself with loving you!!!

& then comes the story of my life.. The most frequently asked question since the past 2 years..."WHY are you single???" & John sings at the back of my head.. & this is not to say... there never comes a day.. i'll take my chances & start again... filhaal, i'm perfectly lonely... its the way that i want it!!!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Heights of Love.. The Agony!!!

Continued from
Story begins at

Without a word... he dragged her by her arm towards the stair case... "you're hurting me.. you big bald HULK... leave me alone... lemme go!!!" they entered the staircase area & he shut the exit door behind her... with the same intense look, he said "Hi! My name is Adam... i work for Ogilvy in the day time, perform gigs at nights, have a small set of friends, rarely get angry, so I dont know where the hulk comes from & for the record, i still retain my heart!! All i really wanted to know is what did i ever do to you to scare you so bad???"

"but you kissed me & you said i love you!"... "is that what you hear lady... i SAY - all i really wanna know is how did i scare you & you say, you said i love you... fine, i said it, you made it obvious, that you are absolutely disinterested, so lets move on to the real question, why scared?" Grata was utterly confused, she had rejected guys before, none took it so easy... to top it, this one she liked... she wanted to know him... she wanted to kiss him... she wanted to be with him... & all he wanted to know is why she was scared of him!!! he placed his hands over her shoulders & made her sit down at the stairs... "i know you were scared... i dont expect anything off of you... just an answer!"

"well... you just bumped into me at the corner... but, you may not know that i saw you that dawn... as i was walking down the same alley you were beating people up... so i took a turn & ran for my life to take the next lane... & somehow you were LIKE RIGHT THERE at the corner"... Adam was smiling... "what you smiling for", she said... "ummm... nothing miss... you take care... & i'm sorry... i'll get outta your hair now!", he said & walked outta the building!

he just walked out & left Grata in agony with a millions questions in mind... works with an ad agency in the day... performs gigs at night... is this the classic rock & roll behavior??? if he is not interested then why did he follow me here? aaaaargh... why? maybe he had a reason for the fight... maybe i was being too hard on him... he kissed me & it just felt right!! whaaaaaat do i do now.. why am i wasting time thinking... she ran out... as she got outside the building, she could see him driving his black Chevi Impala away!


Friday, May 10, 2013


In a mother’s womb.. we are all in the dark.. we are all butt-ass naked… yet there is this sense of security… this feeling of warmth that engulfs us all! Ah! This feeling of the ultimate protection! Im not sure if it all made some/any sense to me then, but I think I could hear (& somehow understand) these voices in my head like ALL the time.. must have been her talking to me… thinking about me… praying for me… smiling… crying… get concerned… all of these emotions felt only for me… Ah! This feeling of the ultimate love!!

How did I become this person though? Why do I hurt her? Why does she cry because of me? If all she ever wanted… prayed for… pleaded for… even begged for… was for me to be a good person… how the fuck did I become this nasty crazy bitch of a person… if all she ever does is care… how is it that it concerns me when she invades my space.. my privacy… & more importantly how did the “I” & the “me” & the “my” come into the picture, when it was her who started it all… after all, I WAS just an aftermath of a protein bomb explosion in her womb… Ah! This feeling of ultimate ungratefulness!!!

How did I become this? How did I get the quantitative right to be an “I” when qualitatively I am just a miniature piece of her…  How? How? How? How can we be so contrasting when essentially we are just the same… Its driving me insane… so much so, that its im penning this down!!! I wish I had any answers… I wish I could stop hurting her so much… but I am sure, I won’t… I can’t… but there is one thing I sure can do… I can tell you mum… no matter what I say or do or how bad I behave… I do… always… at the back my head.. LOVE YOU MOM… Ah! This feeling of ultimate gratitude!